Sunday, August 19, 2007

Bringing mankind together one nose at a time

Some time ago I came to an amazing realization; Let us postpone this revelation for a moment to first imagine the following situation- You are in a car at a stoplight. You are somewhat bored and decide to look around at the people in the cars near you. Over to your right you notice a sportscar with several 'hotties' in it. You know it would be awkward to stare so you advert your glance; trying to avoid the appearance of doing such, of course. You casually turn your head to the left and notice that the man in the car has his finger in his nose- not just picking mind you, but like a fat kid digging for that ever elusive jellybean in one of his rolls of fat. You turn and laugh to yourself. 'How embarassing', you think.

Now for the shocking revelation- Everyone picks their nose. "Impossible!" you say? Explain then another way to expel the mucus-covered dust and dirt effectively from your nose. "Blowing your nose" simply doesn't cut it for those extra clingy, caked-on specimens. Now before you become overly offended, let me clarify- I say everyone picks their nose. What they do after they pick varies greatly. For example- some wipe on paper towels, others throw it into the air acting as if they just disappear, while a select few consume them. Several other minorities practice more disturbing methods which I will not get into here.

Shortly after this revelation- I came to realize that here is a behavior that all of mankind practices. Surely picking one's nose is of nothing to be ashamed! When you pick your nose you are merely glorifying unity of the human race. So next time you see that man picking his nose, roll down your window, stick that finger proudly in your nose and yell, "Hooray for mankind!"

Sunday, December 31, 2006


My sister and I have a longstanding tradition going for 2 whole years now. It all started with my failure to do some simple math almost 2 years ago. My sister so graciously informed me later that day, as she handed to me a medal, that I was the most dumb computer of 2005. This award is a curious thing. The medal itself consisted of an old medal with two sheets of paper stapled on each face with the recipient's name along with "Most dumb computer- 2005." And thus began the tradition of the yearly awarding of "the most dumb computer." What makes someone most dumb computer, you ask? It is the accumulation of the deeds that one does during the year that could be called "stupid." Now before you worry that this award is a harsh thing, let me assure you, as a former recipient of this medal, it is only meant in an endearing way.

On Christmas eve of this year, My sister, her husband, myself and my mother gathered together to vote upon the new recipient for 2006. With three votes for my mother and one 'vote' a piece of paper with the words 'not me' the verdict was pretty much unanimous. We then called out for a speech which she happily gave- "I learned that- if your computer starts smoking you've got problems!" She then further solidified her claim to the award when she confessed to opening and eating some of my stocking candy when I inquired as to why the bag was already open. So who will be the most dumb computer of 2007?? Only time will tell.

Friday, December 15, 2006

I'm the new fat kid

Everyone remembers the fat kid in school when they were growing up. I'm almost one hundred percent sure that every school if not every classroom has one. (In fact, I think it's mandatory as the result of affirmative action) You know the one, the kid that wears glasses and comes to school one day with them broken. Everyone knows that he probably broke them by sitting on them even if he doesn't freely admit it.

Sadly, on December 15, 2006, I took one step closer to becoming this icon. "How?" you ask? I finally did something swore I would never do, something that I was absolutely sure I wouldn't- I sat on my glasses and broke them.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I must confess that I really disliked the word blog when I first heard it. What a stupid word! I admit that I don't really know where the word came from (although I suspect it's just a shortened version of weblog)- Even though my internet-savvy mother will likely read this and endeavor to unravel this mystery and inform me proudly of the fruits of her extremely difficult and extensive research. Needless to say, the word blog conjures up images of violent vomitting. Not just vomitting, violent vomitting. There is a subtle difference- You see, just vomitting would be bleg, or perhaps blag. Anyway, it's too bad I'm not in charge of naming things. My first order of business would be to change this word. Perhaps I'd change the O to A and add an R after. BLARG. That has a nice ring to it. And just to add the finishing touch, I'd put a silent E at the end. Cause we all know that the english language is wacky (and arguably cool) like that. Blarge. So ladies and gentlemen remember- My blarge is better than yours.

A new challenger has arrived!

My parents have a little competition between them going. While it is not freely admitted by either, it is quite heated. What competition you ask? Who can attain the most "views" on their blog. My mother gloated this morning that she had 30+ views while my dad only had 9. However, an earth-shattering discovery was made when she realized that a significant amount of those views were actually from herself. Needless to say, I do not intend to sit out in this competition. I intend to give them both a run for their money!

United Church of Computers

As I've recently been informed by my mother, I apparently belong to a computer church. She deduced this from the amount of time I spend on my computer. She also did some thorough research before coming to this conclusion. After informing me of my newfound religion, I decided to begin adapting some hymns for my faith. A few examples follow:

O divine computer
A mighty cache of memory is our laptop
Called to compute
Put your hand to the mouse
Ye geeks of computerdom
Brightly beams our lovely monitor
Sweet hour of gaming